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Musings of the Stage Mistress Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Madigan" journal:

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December 31st, 2012
02:24 pm

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TRADITION!
1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
Moved the fuck out of my parents' house.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
According to this, my resolution this year was to commit to things and see them through. Let's see... I've asked people on dates, I've applied for other jobs, and I've, as previously stated, moved the fuck out of my parents' house. Yeah. I'd say I committed myself to some stuff. As for 2013... just because I didn't manage it for 2012, Slave Leia bikini.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I wouldn't say "close", but three people who've been in my life for quite some time all produced offspring.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My parakeet, Gustavus Adolphus. He was nine. What made it hurt even more was that I wasn't there. He stayed with my parents when I moved.

5. What countries did you visit?
England, Ireland, Wales, and, for the first time, Scotland. It was an amazing trip that I can't possibly begin to sum up here.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Satisfaction. I'm working on it.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My trip in March and November 17th, the day I moved into my apartment.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
MOVING THE FUCK OUT OF MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Abandoning my diet and exercise after Comic Con. I was doing so well, then SDCC happened and I thought, "I deserve a break." That turned into the last 5 months of being a lazy glutton and putting back on some of the weight I lost.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just the occasional bout with the mystery ailment that causes me to lose consciousness sometimes.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Does paying rent count?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My freaking spectacular roommate Rick, who cleans and vaccuums and brings me chocolate and bad jokes when I'm sad.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Society in general, just prior to the election.

14. Where did most of your money go?
My crazy UK adventure, Comic Con, and moving the fuck out of my parents' house.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I'm not sure how many more times I'm going to have to type the phrase "moving the fuck out of my parents' house."

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Titanium by David Guetta & Sia

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. I feel okay about my life.
b) thinner or fatter? About the same as this time last year, but fatter than I was in the middle of the year.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer. Rent does that.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sexy time.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating and being lazy.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At my parents' house, with my mom's side of the family, who are all delightful and funny and emarkably inappropriate. It was odd, though, to spend the night in the guest room. It was the first time I'd been back that I actually felt like I don't live there anymore.

21. How did you spend New Years?
At the moment, I'm at work, but in 2 hours, I'll be headed home to get prepared for the swanky, drunken shindig that is going to happen at my apartment.

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
Nope... passing fancies and somewhat enduring crushes, but nothing that could possibly be construed as love.

23. How many one-night stands?
None, but I kind of hope that answer changes after this year.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I don't have TV anymore! It's weird. But I do have a long-term relationship with Doctor Who and The Walking Dead, so I have to go use other peoples' TVs on occasion.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Mitt Romney. Seriously. Fuck that guy.

26. What was the best book you read?
John Green is ruining my life in the best way.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Danny introduced me to a band I like to call Acoustic Man Voice. It's a few guys who do acoustic covers of pop songs.

28. What did you want and get?
My own apartment.

29. What did you want and not get?
A better job at Legoland.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
This might be just because it's the most recent one I saw, but Django Unchained was awesome.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't remember what I did on my actual birthday, but the UK adventure was my 26th birthday present to myself.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting the job I wanted would have been nice.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Legoland uniform. When not in Legoland attire, jeans and a nerdy t-shirt or, more likely, pjs.

34. What kept you sane?
Nothing, because there wasn't a whole hell of a lot to drive me insane.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Consult my Tumblr. Spoiler: it's mostly British people.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Like the rest of the social media world, I suddenly became an expert in everything right around October.

37. Who did you miss?
I miss the people I don't see nearly as often as I'd like.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The Scottish fellow with whom I've been emailing for the last few months.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Everything will be fine.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Imagine Dragons "On Top Of The World"

I've tried to cut these corners
Try to take the easy way out
I kept on fallin' short of something
I coulda' gave up then, but
Then again I couldn't have, 'cause
I've traveled all this way for something
Now take it in but don't look down

'Cause I'm top of the world, 'ay
I'm on top of the world, 'ay
'Waiting for this for a while now,
Paying my dues to the dirt
I've been waiting to smile, 'ay
Been holding it in for awhile, 'ay
Take it with me if I can,
Been dreaming of this since a child

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January 14th, 2012
01:48 pm

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Dear Livejournal,
I'm sorry you have to find out this way, but I've been cheating on you. With a small purple notebook I found in my bedroom. I mean, how could I resist? All small and purple and adorable and completely blank... I just... I had to write in it. With a real pen. A keyboard just isn't the same, LJ.

But there's another one too. Yes, LJ, I've been cheating on you with two journals. The other one is a blog, run by Google. It's called Jabba The Hutt To Slave Leia. jabba2leia.blogspot.com to be more specific. It's so much newer and classier and... well... more user-friendly than you. It's just easier with blogspot. I want to show off that one to my entire Facebook page, but with you, LJ, I'm afraid of most of my Facebook friends finding out about you. You know too many secrets about too much of my past. I've changed and I have to end this now.

I'll still come visit sometimes. I'll read what you have to say about my friends. I promise I'll do the end-of-year questionnaire with you. But I probably won't be leaving my thoughts or the events of my days with you anymore.

But I'm not too worried about you. From the looks of your daily writer's block questions, you've got a whole lot of Russians who love you.

Best of luck,
-Me

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December 31st, 2011
08:13 pm

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In leiu of an actual entry
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Traveled by myself. I had Zachariah with me, but it was MY trip... I planned it, paid for it, and handled it all by myself.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't have any resolutions, really. 2011 started with me having drunkenly passed out just prior to midnight after several games of beer pong with my cousins. Not exactly a resolution-making state of mind. But I do have one singular resolution for 2012: commit to things. Feelings, actions, whatever... don't throw in the towel, even if it's difficult or heartbreaking. Commit and see it through.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I'm aware of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not really. My dad's biological father died last week, but I never met him. In fact, for the first 60 years of my dad's life, he thought his father was already dead. It's a long story. But my dad was given a couple of years to get to know him, so I guess that's better than nothing.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just the United States. New York in February and Vegas in May.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Love. I know... it's fucking cheesy. But after the Alex debacle of this year, which I handled surprisingly well, for the record, I would really like to see what it feels like to love someone who really loves me back.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 6th and December 6th & 7th. My relationship with Alex was bookended by my seeing productions of Angels In America, on two coasts. Appropriate, since we met during our own production of that play. The one in San Diego was ever so slightly better than the New York one, but both were amazing and both absolutely WRECKED me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Sticking to my diet and exercise.

9. What was your biggest failure?
As much as I'd like to say the Alex situation, I don't really think it was a failure. It ended and that hurt like a bitch, but it happens and it wasn't a failure of anything.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I wish it was just the torn ligament in May, but then there was that hospital situation the day after Thanksgiving wherein I mysteriously kept losing consciousness and then my heart rate dropped to "you're going to die" levels. And then I was fine the next day and no one knows what the hell was wrong with me.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Clothes in sizes I haven't worn for many years. Also and iPod Touch. But mostly the clothes.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My own, actually. Considering how poorly (read: batshit crazy girl) I've handled past break-ups, I am rather impressed with my zen-like maturity with regards to this one.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My own, earlier in the year when I dated the really boring guy and then callously dedicated all of three minutes to ending things with him.

14. Where did most of your money go?
My crazy New York adventure in February, Comic-Con, and preparations for my impending UK & Ireland adventure this Spring.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The aforementioned things to which all my money went.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
I hate to admit this... "Someone Like You" by Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier. Not necessarily happy, but definitely more contented with the state of things.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner. Nearly 50 pounds thinner, in fact.
c) richer or poorer? About the same.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading. And sex.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Eating and being lazy. I wish I'd started losing weight a long time ago, but I guess I just needed a catalyst.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve was spent with my Mom's side of the family, who I love. Christmas Day was spent with my Dad's family, who I enjoy significantly less.

21. How did you spend New Years?
I'm currently sitting on my bed, typing this. In a short while, a few of my friends are coming over and we're going to have a wholesome evening.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
"Fall in love" implies something new. I fell in love two years ago and stayed there until a few weeks ago.

23. How many one-night stands?
I don't know if I'm proud or embarrassed to admit this, but one. Anonymous parking lot sex with some hot guy I met at a bar.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I didn't have just one. Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Boardwalk Empire, The Daily Show, True Blood. I'm sure there are others, but they're escaping me right now.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. I feel like I should. I feel like there are definitely people who I would have hated with a fiery, fiery passion had the same situation occurred a few years ago. But now, I just don't want to hate anyone. No one warrants such emotions and, if they do, it's better that they be removed from my life rather than expend energy on hatred.

26. What was the best book you read?
I am disappointed with myself in that I have done so little reading this year. I've gone through a handful of Terry Prachett books and some biographies of amusing people, but nothing is coming to mind as "OH MY GOOD THIS BOOK IS AMAZING EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT!!!"

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele. The woman knows how to do a break-up album.

28. What did you want and get?
A Kindle.

29. What did you want and not get?
Emotional reciprocity.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo was a damn fine film. That being said, I spent a tragically small amount of time in movie theaters.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
For my 25th birthday, I spent a week in my favorite city in the world with my best friend. We went to The Daily Show, wherein I had a conversation with Jon Stewart about Jewish delis, saw La Cage Aux Folles, starring Kelsey Grammer, went on the NBC Studio Tour, wherein Dana Carvey waved at us from the SNL set during rehearsal, and I saw both parts of Angels In America in one day.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
One of my co-workers disappearing into a black hole. She irritates me to no end.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Beginning to middle of the year: casually ignoring the fact that I'm fat. Middle to end of the year: becoming less fat, finding that clothing that had previously been too tight was now too big. Now: Slowly acquiring new, classier wardrobe. When I am satisfactorily small, I'll give in and buy my entire wishlist of nerdy t-shirts on ThinkGeek.

34. What kept you sane?
I'd like to say I kept myself sane. Every time I start getting a little crazy or overly emotional, I try to be rational about it. And I think I've been fairly successful in that endeavor.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Zachary Quinto and any of the last three Doctors.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I feel like I have ceased to care about politics. Or perhaps the issue that stirs me the most is that everything has become so black and white, so deviated that the people we've elected have failed to do anything other than argue with each other and generally act like children.

37. Who did you miss?
Friends. The ones I didn't intend to lose and one I did.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
A coworker named Devon who is delightful and a fellow on Blendr who I've been chatting with lately.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Whatever it is, however bad it seems, nothing is the end of the world. You will get over it and you will be fine and life will go on. Don't panic.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm actually going to quote Britney Spears. Pardon the poor grammar. The song isn't spectacular, but it certainly gets the point across of how I feel about my life.

"I'm stronger than yesterday,
now it's nothing but my way.
My loneliness ain't killing me no more."

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October 11th, 2011
06:56 am

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London calling
I know there are those of you who wanted me to use my pile of money on a trip to Australia and I did seriously consider it. Then it occurred to me that my cousin and friends are permanently Australian citizens (congrats, Jess, by the way!), whereas Roberto is only in England for a year. So, after much soul searching and price comparing, I have booked a March adventure to Great Britain. And, just because I'll be there at the right time and because why the hell not, we're going to pop over to Dublin for a couple of days. More specifically, the couple of days that include St. Patrick's Day. Also on the agenda: Cardiff, Wales; Edinburg, Scotland; and everything Merlin Entertainment owns on that island, which includes two of Europe's best amusement parks.

Is it March yet?

In other news, the "other girl" who I've been so worried about is now the girlfriend of the other actor in Alex's play and has been for the last two months. So there's that. It's been a pretty good week for me, I must say.

Except for the part where Fezzes Are Cool keeps getting second place by a tiny margin to Team Neandrathal Posturing And Repressed Homosexual Urges. Those guys are douchebags. I want to destroy them next week. If we could find one more person with as much useless knowledge as me and Marc, but about some different subjects, we'd be unstoppable. My goal this week is to find a ringer.

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October 7th, 2011
12:04 am

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The dangling conversation
I had a whole line of questioning for Alex tonight. I thought I was well prepared for the impending heartbreak, disappointment, anger, jealousy, and any other unpleasant emotions that would surely bubble (or perhaps erupt) from the surface upon learning his answers.

I was not prepared, however, for happiness. Or for relief.

I'm the only person he's sleeping with. I'm the only person he's hanging out with in the girlfriend-esque capacity. I'm not his girlfriend and that's fine because I don't have any desire to throw around labels like that. But the point is, I'm all there is. When he told me that, it so totally blew my mind that it derailed all my other inquiries. I do have more questions. Namely, what's going on with the other girl and is he exclusively sleeping with me by choice or simply because no other opportunities have presented themselves. But those questions can wait.

For now, I'm enjoying the fact that I'm the only one who gets to have all the sex with the most gorgeous man I've ever met.

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September 28th, 2011
12:11 pm

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This will not be a happy post
Can't say I didn't give you fair warning.

I haven't posted here in... a month or so. I don't particularly want to now, but, for my own sanity and personal reference (I do occasionally have a look at the old ElJay to get a more accurate timeline of my life than my memory allows), I think I should write.

So I'll just go ahead and leave this here:

1)Florida isn't happening. I'm angry and unhappy about it. I never even got an official response. They just let me anguish over it for months until finally my supervisor explained the situation to me. Basically, because two of the retail supervisors in Florida came from California, it was decided that anyone who worked with them here wouldn't work with them there because the familiarity could be construed as favoritism. Also, because Winter Haven lost most of its jobs when Cypress Gardens (the theme park that we bought and turned into Legoland) closed down in 2005, it became a bit of a sketchy, run-down town. Merlin wanted to show how it brought back jobs and revitalized the area, so just about all of the hourly jobs went to local residents. It's a noble gesture and I totally support that decision, but it would have been nice if someone could have, I don't know, TOLD ME THAT TWO MONTHS AGO. The only upside is that I now have a big pile of money saved up.

2)Roberto is leaving today. We went out to breakfast this morning. I'm much sadder this time than last year. I think it's that last year, I had silly, superficial feelings towards him, but this time, it's one of my best friends who's leaving. Last time, it was just this guy I had a crush on, but this time, it's someone I really care about. Someone I've confided in and become really close with. I'm really going to miss him this time. That's not to say I didn't miss him last time... I did, but it was different. It's more real, I guess.

3)Alex is... fuck it, I don't even know. Some days, I think I'm the only one. Other days, I don't know if he remembers I exist. It's the very definition of hot and cold. He texts me all the time and talks about how much he wants me or I don't hear from him unless I text him first. The thing I hate is the unknown. If he's sleeping with other people, I can deal with that, as long as I know where I am in the rankings. But not knowing what's going on... not knowing if there's a dozen other girls or no one but me, not knowing if he's sleeping at a friend's place or at a "friend's" place when he's not here or at home, not knowing if he's actually been called into work or if he's telling me that because he thinks I'll be better off thinking that than knowing where he is and who he's with... it's terrible. Because I let my brain get carried away. I assume the extremes. I just want the truth. I would rather know the truth, unpleasant though it may be, than to let my brain go crazy with other scenarios. The unknown is killing me.

4)I've hit a wall in my weight loss. I was doing well there for a while, but then it just... stopped. I don't want to do anything drastic, like completely change my diet or start working out, because I know I can't stick to that and whatever weight I lose will come back. I really need to find someone to have vigorous nightly sex with because that's pretty much the only exercise plan I can stick to.

5)I have a cold. A fucking annoying cold. It's because this wretched woman I work with has been bringing her plague to work every day. She's got a cough that sounds like lung cancer and ever since it started, nearly everyone in my store has gotten sick, all with exactly the same symptoms. And we've had customers express their discomfort with being exposed to her while at the register. We'd take her off the register, except that she's totally useless in the backroom. To be fair, she's totally useless at the register as well. She's basically an annoying, incompetent pile of germs, but she remains employed for some reason. To add insult to injury, not only has she gotten everyone sick, but she can't be bothered to learn anyone's names. She calls me Madalyn, Madison, or Magdalene... pretty much anything other than Madigan. And when someone (Oliver, who she calls George) corrected her on my name, her response was "Whatever... the tall one. You know who I'm talking about." I'm "the tall one." At first, I didn't really care that she didn't get anybody's name right. We all thought it was funny. But now, everyone's fed up with her and we all want her gone.



That about does it for my life right now. I'm going to try and be happy again sometime soon.

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August 25th, 2011
08:29 am

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Department of weights and waits
Weights
I stepped on a scale this morning, which I didn't want to do, but I felt like I should. People keep telling me I've lost weight and asking how much I've lost so far. It's not that I don't believe them... it's just that I see myself every single day, so I don't notice a change. I saw pictures of myself from the last few days at work and I could see it a little bit, but I think I still look like Jabba the Hutt in a Legoland uniform. So I found my parents' scale and had a look. I don't know exactly what weight I was when I started trying to lose weight, but I know what I was the last time I went to a doctor.

I'm down thirty pounds. I'm now at a weight I haven't been since high school, which is right on the BMI border of obese and overweight for my height. Thirty more pounds puts me squarely in the middle of Normal, which is somewhere I don't think I've been since elementary school. Normal, where I can shop at nearly all the stores in the mall instead of just the plus size places. I'm halfway to normal, although I've no plans to stop there. I don't plan to be anorexic or emaciated or anything, but I would like to be able to comfortably and confidently wear a bikini by next Summer. I think I can do it.


Waits
I checked the Florida website yesterday. The Team Lead position (the one I wanted the most) was no longer on it, which, to me, says it's been filled. I went to my HR and inquired about it. They didn't seem to think that. They said it was likely taken down because they got inundated with applications, so they're sorting through all of them. I'm not holding out hope for it, but the Merchandise Associate position (which is what I am now) is still posted. They also posted a new position yesterday that I'm thinking of applying for. It'd be far more challenging, but I think I'm up for it. Costuming Lead. It'd be like working as the head costumer for a play every day of my life. A crazy Lego-filled play. There's no harm in submitting my resume, which contains quite a bit of costuming experience. My skills on a sewing machine need to be sharpened a bit, as I am pretty well out of practice, but once I get the hang of it again, I'm quite good.

But what it comes down to is that the park opens on October 15th, a date which is rapidly approaching, and I've heard nothing. While I was at my HR, I asked if there was anyone else I could contact about my applications, so I got a short list of new people to talk to and I immediately emailed all of them. Unfortunately, I don't have access to my Legoland email account until I get back to work on Saturday, so I just have to wait until then to see if there's been any responses.

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August 20th, 2011
06:52 am

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It's weird
I woke up this morning knowing that everything I own is in this room with me. Well, nearly everything. Obviously my car is in the garage. And there are three bins of things and some pieces of furniture in my old bedroom that are technically my stuff, but will likely remain in my parent's possession for the duration. But basically everything that will come with me when I move out is in this bedroom. It's in three boxes (one of which is entirely Lego sets), and two Comic Con bags. The Doctor Who bag contains knitting stuff and the Mythbusters bag contains all of my reusable bags, as I will likely be using them to move instead of boxes. I've discovered that my car is much smaller and more awkwardly shaped than it appears. Boxes do not fit in it as well as I'd hoped, so I'll have to use bags. Luckily, I have amassed quite the collection. Everything from small grocery store bags to giant Comic Con totes and all manner of sizes in between.

The dumpster outside of my aunt's house is nearly filled. I had that much stuff. After keeping some, donating a great deal, and shredding everything with personal information, I still nearly filled a dumpster. Holy crap.

In other news, still no word from Florida. However, some things have developed that would make staying here okay. Apparently, one of my coworkers is likely moving to Texas in the next few months, leaving a team lead position at my store open. I'm going to talk to my supervisor about possibly getting moved into that position when she vacates it. It's not that I don't like my job... I actually really love it... but it's easier to move up from team lead than my current position. Bonus: the coworker moving to Texas is one of the two twunty ones I've complained so much about.

Also, this Alex thing is weird. I don't know what's going on with that. All I know is that my "He'll start hanging out with the other girl after rehearsals" theory is proving quite incorrect. So far, he's called or carried on lengthy text conversations with me every night after rehearsal, usually on his way home or right when he's gotten home. I mean, sure, he could be somewhere other than his house, but, even if he was, why would he be calling and texting me if he's out with other people? I'm trying very hard not to get my hopes up about this, but it's really difficult not to wonder about it. However, I am going to pursue other options. I think I may have been asked on a date by one of my coworkers, so there's that. And I was hanging out with my brother and his friends last night and one of them, Regina, knows a guy she wants to set me up with who's 25, really smart, and a Star Wars/Trek nerd. We'll see how that goes. And, if I move to Florida, chances are I'll be living with my aunt's sister and her wife for the first couple of weeks, and they are just dying to show me around the Orlando gay scene. Yay lesbians!

And now, because I can't think of a better note on which to end an entry than "Yay lesbians!" I'm going to work.

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August 18th, 2011
07:24 am

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Trash
I'm cleaning out my old bedroom right now. I rented a dumpster (and had it delivered to my aunt's house so my dad wouldn't know about it) and my goal is to get all of my stuff (not clothes or furniture, just, you know... that stuff you accumulate over the years and can't part with) into one box. Twenty five years of stuff. One box. You know what's weird though? I'm basically throwing away, selling, or donating everything in my old bedroom. Very little of it is going into the box. I'm treating it all like it belongs to someone else. Because, really, it does. The stuff in that room, items that once held such value, has become trash. The girl that owned and loved all of it doesn't exist anymore.

The garage will be even easier than my old bedroom. Whereas my old bedroom houses my teenage years, the garage has my childhood. Nearly everything in there is ruined and can be thrown away and anything that's still in working order will be donated. The handful of childhood items from which I will never part was saved years ago.

My current bedroom, though, will be the most difficult. Everything in here has been purchased or received within the last two years. This room is filled with my young adult life, which, for the record, contains a stunning number of Lego sets. I moved into this room knowing that it would see me find my own place. Everything in here was acquired with the intention of moving it somewhere else. But there is a lot more of it than I realized. Decisions must be made.

In other news, I've been told by a number of people lately that I look as though I've lost weight. I'm really excited about that. I just have to keep this up and maybe, just maybe, I'll be one of those hot female nerds by C6/Comic Con time. At the very least, I won't be one of the stereotypically fat ones anymore.

Between the weight loss and the purging of stuff, I'm starting to feel like a whole new person. More than that, I'm starting to feel really happy.

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August 12th, 2011
08:04 am

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Fantasyland
I can feel reality closing in on me.

And because I'm a visual person and I need an image to grasp on to, it's like I'm on this happy little remote island of hope and optimism and somewhere, just beyond the horizon, I can see a tidal wave forming and heading in my direction.

I'm happy right now. The problem is, I'm happy because the main things in my life are in a state of "If." They are theoretical. They are hopeful ideas and wishful thinking... things that only might work out for me and, for whatever reason, I'm working under the assumption that they will, despite all available evidence to the contrary. My happiness is based in optimism at best and delusion at worst. And somewhere, sometime, sooner than later, reality is going to come sweep me off of my little island and put me back on the mainland, where everything is definite. It's just a question of how horribly I'll be injured on the way.

Metaphors aside, here's what I'm talking about...
Right after I applied for Florida, I got an email saying they would be contacting candidates within the next couple of weeks. That was July 31st. It has been nearly two weeks. I keep telling myself "They just haven't called you YET." But that "yet" can't last forever. It has an absolute expiration date of October 15th, when Legoland Florida opens. But even now, that "yet" is quickly diminishing in size and strength, until one day, it just won't exist at all. Eventually, it'll be "They didn't call you. The end." Right now, I can be happy with the "yet" and I can still say "I might be moving across the country." But I know that won't be the case for much longer.

The other thing is Alex. He's starting rehearsals for a new play in just a few days. Rehearsals are in Escondido, where the Other Girl lives. If you missed who the Other Girl is, go back to my last post and read the Alex section. She's friends with everyone involved with the play and I know they're going to be hanging out a lot. Unless things have changed since we last talked about her, which I don't think they have, by the time this play is over, Alex is not going to be single anymore. If I'm in Florida, it doesn't matter. But if I'm still here... this is going to hurt. I'm so happy right now, with the way our friendship is. We hang out as much as we can, we call or text each other at least once every 48 hours or so, and we have all the sex. We both go to work and hang out with other friends and have lives apart from each other, but when we hang out, time stops. The rest of the world doesn't exist. It's just us. And it's so amazing. But this is not a permanent thing. I know this play he's doing will bring the end of our current situation. I can see that coming. But here, on my happy little island, there are no plays and no Other Girls and no heartbreak. Because here, I have the What-Ifs on my side. But the tidal wave is still coming and all the What-Ifs won't stop it.

Even though I have an idea of what the not too distant future will bring and even though I know I can't live forever on my happy little island and even though I'm trying to be as rational as possible, I can't shake this feeling that reality is going to sneak up on me and the tidal wave is going to leave me bruised and broken and in pain to an extent I can't even fathom. One day, I'll be writing the date at work and realize that it's October 15th and I'm still in Carlsbad. Or one day, I'll text something inappropriate to Alex, as is our standard operating procedure, and he'll reply by telling me he has a girlfriend. Or both of those things will happen quite close to each other and... well... I don't know.

I can be happy without Alex if I go to Florida. And I can be happy about not going to Florida if I have Alex. But I can't stay here AND watch him be with someone else. I don't know the level of heartbreak that situation would bring upon me, but I know it would hurt worse than I'd like to think about.

Reality is coming. I just hope it's nice to me.

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